Hello and thank you for watering my plants! Please come on Wednesdays. Here is a handy guide:
These are your weapons: A terrible watering can (sorry—it gets everywhere, so you really have to pour carefully, and tilt back slowly), "Romeo" plant food, and some measuring spoons. Put one teaspoon of "Romeo" in the can, fill it to the one-gallon mark, and you're ready to feed.
The first plant you will encounter on your way out of the kitchen is this guy, sitting up on a janked-out bookshelf in the nook between the couch and the chair. It gets just a decent watering, not a deluge—enough to get the soil moist. I usually water for about a 3-count.
On the far side of the bed is a bookshelf. On the bookshelf are two plants and some books. Do not water the books.
This jade plant is probably going to die. I clearly don't know what the fuck to do with it. Maybe don't water it? Maybe do? I usually give it a good soaking once a week, per my mother's instructions: pour water in until there's about an inch standing on top; it'll filter down. Like I said, though, thing is on its last legs, so feel free to experiment.
You will not have to water the aloe unless I stay in Argenina for an extra week. Which might happen. I might stay there forever, if the stories about the steaks are true. If that happens, water the aloe every three weeks, and enjoy its company. When They come for my things, tell them the plant is yours. It's the year-old pup of a plant I've had since I was 13.
Everything else could die. I wouldn't care, as long as the Lemon Tree made it. Just get the surface of the soil wet, and the Lemon Tree will be happy. The Lemon Tree already is happy, because you are coming to visit. If you wanted to talk to the Lemon Tree, that would be cool too. It likes NPR, should you decide to play the radio.
You're looking at the Lemon Tree (can't blame you). Look left. There, tucked away in the corner in a stupid pink pot that came with the apartment, is the second rubber plant. Water it just like the other one: About a 3-count.
And that's it. Thank you so much for watering my plants. Please help yourself to anything in the fridge, liquor cabinet, etc. Watch some TV—we have all of the channels. (Just hit "watch dish" on the remote's touchscreen; then some stupid interstitial screen will show up on the TV, which you get past by pushing the OK button on the remote. It's the center of the d-pad.)
See you soon!